Monthly Archives: July 2012

Money Management Isn’t Rocket Science

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Money management isn’t rocket science. You just have to do your homework and participate in and understand what your financial adviser is doing. You can’t just hand over money to a financial advisor and assume that he or she will take care of everything for you.

Women do it all the time in marriage. It isn’t smart there either, but at least, it’s understandable.  Love and trust are the basis for marriage in the first place. But choosing an adviser requires a different set of guidelines than choosing a husband.

The fine print in any advisory situation, whether medical, financial or legal, is that there is no guarantee of results. A doctor can provide give you probabilities and statistics; a lawyer has the option of an appeal process. A financial advisor can only offer “past performance is no guarantee of future results”.

Particpating as a partner wih your financial adviser means reading your reports and statements, understanding what the numbers mean and comparing them with the previous ones so you can track change.  You need to meet or talk with your adviser on a regular basis. You need to ask questions if you don’t understand something.

Remember: A question is never dumb. It’s about getting information about something you don’t understand that requires an answer you do understand.

Love and ‘Real’ Diamonds

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Can he really love you if he buys you a ‘fake’ diamond?

What is a ‘real’ diamond? Chemically, it’s a collection of tiny crystals of carbon which take millions of years to form. Physically, the diamond is a stone. Financially, it’s expensive. Emotionally, it’s become the symbol of love.

When diamond prices collapsed during the Great Depression, an advertising agency came up with the idea of linking diamonds to love. The larger the diamond, the greater the love.

Romancing the stone was a huge success, forever instilling in the consciousness of men and women that a diamond engagement ring means ‘real’ love and is a prerequisite to marriage.

Scientists now make diamonds in the laboratory by crushing carbon, graphite and a ‘diamond’ seed in a pressure cooker. Four days later, the crushed core is removed to reveal a man-made diamond inside. Identical to a mined diamond on all counts – structurally, optically and chemically.

Emotionally? Here lie the dragons.

Tiffany runs full page ads showing a diamond ring with the caption  “This is What Love Looks Like” and  “A Diamond is Forever’. Love is linked to this cluster of carbon – with no intrinsic value other than that it cost a lot to buy it.

I wonder how long it will take the ‘fake’ diamond industry to create an alternative narrative so couples can learn to start saving money before they marry.

Any ideas for an advertising campaign?

Marriage and Romantic Shadows

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Who is Robert Johnson and why should you pay attention to him?

Johnson is a Jungian psychoanalyst and author of a trio of books, “He”, “She” and “We”, that should be required reading for couples. But chances are they’re not on your pre-wedding checklist.

That’s too bad.  You won’t find excerpts of these books in the bridal magazines. They’re too honest; too close to the bone in exposing the romantic illusions we bring into marriage. Johnson’s penetrating exploration of how romantic myths imprison us explains how we harm the person we marry. Here we meet our projections, illusions and shadows.

Johnson believes four beings take vows at the altar: the bride and her shadow; the groom and his. Each entity has a hidden agenda demanding attention. But caught up in the headiness and exhilaration of romantic love, we don’t know our shadows are there .

In “We”, he writes, “One of the glaring contradictions in romantic love is that so many couples treat their friends with more kindness, consideration, generosity and forgiveness than they ever give to one another.”

In other words, romance is never happy with the other person as he or she is. Or, as a man I know said,” I don’t want to be friends with my wife; it would take all the romance out of our marriage.”

Can marriage survive romantic illusion? Read Johnson and you’ll understand why it’s easier to blame and shame than acknowledge our role in derailing our marriage. A word of caution: Johnson causes goose bumps of recognition.

Can Marriage Survive Romantic Illusion?

Leave a reply

Who is Robert Johnson and why should you pay attention to him?

Johnson is author of a trio of books, “He”, “She” and “We”. This trio of books should be required reading for couples. But chances are they’re not on your pre-wedding checklist.

That’s too bad.  You won’t find excerpts of these books in the bridal magazines. They’re too honest; too close to the bone in exposing the romantic illusions we bring into marriage. Johnson’s penetrating exploration of how romantic myths imprison us explains how we harm the person we marry. Here we meet our projections, illusions and shadows.

Johnson believes four beings take vows at the altar: the bride and her shadow; the groom and his shadow. Each entity has a hidden agenda demanding attention.Caught up in the headiness and exhilaration of romantic love, we don’t know our shadows are there. But they come into the marriage relationship as major partners.

In “We”, he writes, “One of the glaring contradictions in romantic love is that so many couples treat their friends with more kindness, consideration, generosity and forgiveness than they ever give to one another.”

In other words, romance is never happy with the other person as he or she is. Or, as a man I know said,” I don’t want to be friends with my wife; it would take all the romance out of our marriage.”

Can marriage survive romantic illusion? Read Johnson and you’ll understand why it’s easier to blame and shame than acknowledge our role in derailing our marriage. A word of caution: Johnson causes goose bumps of recognition.

Before You Sign the Tax Return

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Every year on April 15, my husband would race into the house at
 9:00 pm with the tax return he’d just picked up from his accountant.  “Sign here Honey,” he’d say, handing me a pen, and pointing to the pages with the little yellow tabs waiting for my signature.

However, “Sign here Honey” can come back to haunt you if you are ever divorced or widowed. Your husband isn’t necessarily trying to hide things from you by preparing the return.  He does it because you don’t. So ask him to explain what the numbers mean. He might be relieved that you’re finally taking an interest in the marital finances. Don’t wait until the last minute to do it either.

If an accountant is doing your taxes, attend the meeting with your husband. This is a great place to ask questions because the accountant can explain things to you that often your husband doesn’t fully understand.

I know a woman who managed huge budgets for a large corporation. At home, she assumed the role of traditional wife, letting her husband manage their finances.

During her divorce proceedings a few years ago, she was asked if she saw the tax returns annually. She did. Did she review them? No, frankly, she trusted her husband. Wasn’t she concerned about what she was signing? No. Three years after their divorce was final, she was still wrangling with the IRS about her ex-husband’s underreported income.

“Sign here Honey” takes on a totally different meaning if you’re participating as a financially intimate partner.