When my first husband and I divorced after 18 years, we realized we were two perfectly fine individuals who just couldn’t make it together. He was a good man; I was a good woman. We grew apart over the years and no longer shared the same values, interests or desires.

No one was to blame. We didn’t have to cast each other in the role of villain. Neither of us was victimized. We shared responsibility for not trying harder to keep our marriage intact. Our children endured the pain of divorce. At the time, neither of us knew how to ease that.

A few years after our divorce, my ex met a woman who is perfect for him. They are still married after 25 years. She was wonderful to our girls, and to me. I liked her and included her in family events.  My second husband liked that we all got along. His ex-wife didn’t think that was all right, so she wasn’t part of our life.

My ex and his wife are still an integral part of our small family. I love them both. It took a while for their friends to understand how exes could remain so close. On the other hand, I don’t understand how people who divorce spend years vilifying and blaming their ex, especially to their children.

When a marriage doesn’t work out, it’s easier to blame than to accept responsibility. Imperfect people with unmet needs marry each other and expect that their mate will make them happy. That’s the subtext in the fine print. I used to believe that too. So maybe the question to ask after divorce is “How did I grow from this experience and what have I learned about myself?”

That’s why the growing trend towards collaborative divorce is so encouraging. http://www.collaborative-law.com/