Tag Archives: weddings

Brides Rethinking Extravagant Weddings

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Many brides- to-be are beginning to function in the real world, trading extravagant credit card weddings for an event they can actually afford. These savvy brides are beginning to run their numbers , rearrange priorities and ask questions that really matter.

For example, wouldn’t $30,000 pay off the graduate school loans? Do I really need 200 wedding guests? If a wedding lunch costs half of a wedding dinner, do we really need moonlight? The iPod is paid for;  do we really need the DJ’s banter in between dance numbers? Perhaps most important, should my parents really be cutting into their retirement savings to pay for my wedding?

Finally, a glimmer of reason is emerging. Couples are moving up wedding dates for year-end tax breaks and substantial savings on health insurance premiums. Some are combining plans to marry with a year-end vacation.

And then there’s the ultimate voice of reason – the bride who realizes that the cost of her wedding day could be the down payment on a house. She is smart enough to say “The wedding is one day. The house is going to last a lot longer than that”.

Unfortunately, with two million weddings annually in the U.S. the $160 billion wedding industry isn’t tightening its belt just yet. Let’s give it a few more years of savvy brides.

No Such Thing as Financial Romance

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During a radio interview, the host asked me why I didn’t think it was a good idea to get engaged at Christmas. “Christmas is for exchanging gifts” I said. “An engagement ring is definitely not a gift. It’s a precursor to a contract, a marriage contract.” Not exactly the same category as perfume ,a cashmere sweater or Kate Spade handbag.

“Are you trying to take the romance out of marriage?” he asked combatively. I reassured him that I’m a big fan of romance in context, but the decision to marry should not be based on romance. Let’s face it – romance isn’t much use when it comes to dealing with the day-to-day realities of joining one’s life with another person.

Here’s how the dictionary defines romantic – dreamy, quixotic, impractical. Tending toward make believe, illusion. Characterized by or arising from idealistic or impractical attitudes and expectations.

Contrast that with words that mean intimacy – familiarity, closeness, understanding, confidence, relationship, transparency.

Intimacy gives us a better shot at not being disappointed with the person we marry. Our eyes are open wider going into marriage. We’re still going to learn a lot about this person  before we married, but at least we’ll be realistic about the fact that there will be surprises. The real person was always there. We just didn’t see it because it was obscured by romance.

So to that ‘romantic’ radio talk show host, I’m trying to strengthen marriage by encouraging financial intimacy, not financial romance. There’s no such thing – financial romance exists only in bridal magazines which devote very little space to the subject of money. Their focus is your wedding, not your marriage.

You probably noticed that a perfect wedding doesn’t foretell a happy marriage, especially if marriage begins with mountains of wedding debt you’re still paying off when the first baby arrives. Nothing romantic about that, is there?

 

The Wedding To-Do List

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Just about now, millions of May and June brides have a to- do checklist about details for the wedding. Gift registry, venue, invitations, music, reception menu, favors, flowers,   bridesmaid’s dresses, wedding gown, tuxedo, cake, rings, photographer, videographer…All the stuff that modern brides believe they must have.

I’ll bet that if I checked the to do-list of a million of those brides, I wouldn’t find a reference to FICO scores, budgets, premarital financial counseling, checking accounts, community or separate property or any other aspects of the financial life the couple will share.

The soon to be marrieds may never have had The Conversation, or any conversation, about money and how they will handle it in their marriage. They may be counting on their love to handle any conflicts that come up about money.

She may not want to anger him by bringing up the money subject – again. He may not know how vital it is to discuss money. If they can’t do it before marriage, it will only be more uncomfortable for them as husband and wife.

No one enters marriage believing they will be part of the one third of couples who divorce. Bathed in love, fantasy and hope, too many newlyweds take one of the biggest steps in their life with less preparation about their ‘job’ than McDonald’s workers get.

I recently met a bride to be who assured me everything would probably work out all right because they both had their own credit cards, and their plan was to pay things off slowly. I didn’t know where to start explaining that this wasn’t a good plan. All I could do was hand her a copy of my book. Hopefully, she’ll read it as part of her wedding to do list.