Stalked by Randomness

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One week ago, 239 people boarded Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 in Kuala Lumpur, expecting to land in Beijing a few hours later. The plane vanished and has still not been found. Vanishing from the world’s radar screen practically never happens.

A woman vacationing in Florida is killed by a giant stingray that leaped out of the water and struck her as she sunbathed on the deck of a boat. Stingrays practically never do that.

In the same week, a tourist visiting a friend in Manhattan was sleeping late when he was killed by a construction crane which toppled and crushed the friend’s townhouse. Cranes rarely topple.

Freak events always catch us off guard. We can’t even picture the weird things that can happen to us. The ones we can imagine, we try not to think about.

Last week, the invoice for my long-term care insurance arrived. It’s a payment I’d rather not make.  For that money,I could take a cruise or other trip, landscape the front yard or redecorate the living room. Why should I pay this premium when I feel good? Do I even want to hang around if I can’t do things for myself? Wouldn’t the money be better spent investing in Amazon or Apple stock? And on, and on…..

My husband died in a freak accident. So did the daughters of two of my dearest friends. No one who suffered a traumatic loss because of a random event ever feels truly safe again.

Most of the people I know don’t have long-term care insurance. They’re protected by the same illusions I used to wrap myself in.  Perhaps the difference between us is that they haven’t been on the loss side of a sudden freak event.  They’re not stalked by the feeling that disability or death can rob them of someone they love in an instant.

Temperament still inclines me towards optimism. In an ideal world, I’ll be vibrant and vital until my late nineties, then die quickly without pain or fuss.  In the meantime, I’ll just pay the premium.

Control Freak or Financial Abuser?

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I’ve written about this before, but I keep meeting women who can’t tell the difference between a controlling husband and a financially abusive one. Many wives admit to fears they had while they were still engaged. They married anyway, thinking that their husband’s financially controlling behavior would change after the wedding.

Financial control can be a precursor to financially abusive behavior. A husband controls the purse strings, refusing to share financial information with his wife but expecting that she account for every choice and every penny spent.

Many wives suffer in silence, telling themselves that their husband’s controlling behavior is a personality quirk.They may still have access to joint finances, reasonable mobility and buying choices. They may be frustrated by their husband’s attitude and behavior, but they don’t live with a gnawing sense of fear.

Financial abuse is different. It is behavior designed to isolate a woman into a state of  financial dependence and fear. The most important thing to remember about financial abuse is that the abuser is not out of control. He can, at the drop of a hat, change his behavior to suit the social circumstances. He can be charming and persuasive, but his objective is to isolate his partner and make her dependence on him total.He is deliberately choosing to control his partner’s behavior by cutting off her access to money, mobility and choice.

Financial abuse can often lead to physical abuse as well. It happens within all age ranges, educational levels, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The rich socialite who lives in the largest house in the best neighborhood is as likely to be a victim of financial abuse as the poorest wife in the toughest section of town.

The thing to remember about financial abuse is that it often precedes emotional, verbal and ultimately physical abuse. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Giving you an allowance.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Stealing from you or taking your money.

Using your assets for his personal benefit.

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, you can get help by contacting the following:

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to http://www.nrcdv.org.

This website lists the numbers and locations of domestic violence hotlines for the 50 states.

Fearing their Adult Children

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Abuse of parents is a silent problem, prevalent at all income levels but not widely discussed. A web search for information about adult children who abuse their parents focuses on financial and physical abuse. Little is available about emotional and verbal abuse.

Parents who are bullied or mistreated by their adult children have trouble admitting it to others. Many put up with the bad treatment because they don’t want to end a relationship with a child whom they love. Some need their child’s help with care giving. Others fear the consequences of being open about their feelings.

Estate planners often run across these painful situations when parents draw up a will. Planners like to recommend that parents talk openly with children about inheritance plans, reasoning that children will change their behavior in anticipation of a future reward.

While this may be sound advice for families in general, it feels dangerous to parents who live in fear of the next round of insults or other bad treatment from a child.  Odds are that the family bully will become even more enraged when informed that he/she has been left out of the will.

It’s unfortunate, but remaining silent about inheritance plans is a safety shield for abused parents, a way to regain a sense of balance, dignity and self-esteem. For those parents unable or unwilling to draw that vital line in the sand earlier in their parenting role, their message will have to wait until they die.

The Anatomy of Happiness

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I had a nasty head cold a few days ago, but feeling lucky and grateful that it wasn’t flu or anything more serious. As my symptoms locked me into a muted world of silence and drowsiness, I reflected on luck – what it is, who has it, who doesn’t seem to have it and how to get it.

Many books and internet sites describe luck. Some give you definitions and synonyms. Some give you tips on how to get lucky. Others help you feel better about not having luck. Some send you to psychics; others to astrologers, still others to sites that sell jewelry to protect you against the evil eye, an ancient superstition that many still believe to thwart your chances for luck.

I’m reminded of the story I heard about a workshop for millionaires seeking to increase their material success even further. The facilitator asked participants to share what they needed to feel even more successful.  Each  described what they didn’t have yet, but wanted to have in the future. One man, who meditates daily at dawn, said “When I wake up , get out of bed and feel the floor below me, I feel lucky and I figure I already have it made”.

Would more money, cars, homes and all the trappings of wealth make this man feel any happier or luckier? Not likely. What he relates to is his awareness of short moments, repeated often,  that he is alive, upright, feeling lucky and content to be blessed with another day of awareness and the opportunity to enjoy it.

On balance, a happy life seems to built on a series of breaths and moments. How we bridge the spaces between them is the difference between heaven and hell.

Marriage Ties Your Hands

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Amazing the number of things you can’t do if you’re married.

No matter how much you may want to, if you’re married, you can’t undertake estate planning on her own. You can’t write your husband’s will.

You can’t take his medical exam for life insurance or long-term care insurance. You can’t be his health care proxy if he doesn’t assign you durable powers of attorney to make medical decisions for him. The same holds true for financial decisions.

You need your husband’s cooperation to protect yourself against what you would face if he were disabled or died.

If your husband is in denial about his mortality, and shrugs off the likelihood of unexpected events that can happen to anyone, anytime, your hands are tied.

You can’t make your husband want to protect your financial interests in case your marriage ends. If it ends in divorce, he’s not the person most concerned about you. If it ends in death, it’s too late to do anything constructive about your financial situation.

You expect him to want to protect you because he says he loves you – and isn’t that what marriage is all about. But let’s get real. A marriage is as much a legal and financial partnership with obligations on both sides. Because love assumes many forms, we can rarely be sure we’re ascribing the same characteristics to your love and his love.

If he won’t cooperate with you to get you the financial protection you need, it’s safe to assume that his definition of love doesn’t match yours. He might bring you flowers, buy you jewels, romance you on Valentine’s Day, but financial protection for you and the kids really shows love is at the top of his agenda.

A Parent’s Act of Love

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Psychiatrists have long equated the reluctance to write a will, prepare an advance directive or estate plan, with fear of dying.

Who wants to think about planning for death? We’d rather do just about anything else. However, we must confront our mortality. We can’t afford to have illusions that it won’t happen to us. We have to face giving up our possessions and power. We have to deal with uncomfortable subjects like aging, illness, death, inheritance and a host of other things we’ve managed to avoid thinking about.

Having the ‘money conversation’ is rarely ‘just about money’. It’s also about family dynamics, mistakes, regrets, guilt, and a host of other issues. Children feel morbid, greedy and intrusive asking their parents questions about money and death. The parents don’t want to start conversations about ‘touchy’ subjects either. The result – people procrastinate, hoping for the best. Hope is not a strategy. It’s a procrastination tool and most often, it doesn’t work.

The burden of grief for children when a parent dies is heavy enough without adding financial confusion to the mix. It’s truly an act of love for parents to get their affairs in order.

Go to http://www.moneyloveandlegacy.com Check out the guide  for opening the conversations that matter between parents and children. Follow the check lists for what parents need to put in place so children aren’t burdened with a financial and legal mess after parents die.

A Truly Intimate Valentine

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Here’s an idea for Valentine’s Day that you husbands may not have considered; it’s also one that you wives may not have thought of asking for. However, this gift won’t add to your credit card debt or deplete your checking account.

Unlike flowers, jewelry, sexy lingerie, chocolates or other goodies we’ve been told equate with love, this gift won’t cost you any money . And the reward?A whole new level of intimacy in your marriage, far beyond your wildest expectations.

What is this magic gift that promises to do so much? It’s called financial intimacy. How do you give this gift? Technically, it’s not so much a gift as a restoration of marital rights. When you’re a married couple, each of you has the right to know what’s going on financially in the marriage. You’re a legal partnership and partners share financial information.

A financial intimacy valentine will show your wife that she is an equal partner in your marriage. This gift is exceptionally welcomed by wives whose husbands control the marital finances and don’t want their wife messing around in them.

So here’s my idea. Buy your beloved wife the chocolates, flowers and an inexpensive bauble that won’t stretch your joint budget . When you say “I love you’, I think you should prove it. Open the financial records and bare all.  Tell your wife that you want her to know everything that’s going on financially in your marriage in case something happens to you. Tell her you don’t want her to be in a financial mess if she finds herself having to cope on her own.

That’s love. That says you’re a team. That’s financial intimacy. In my book, it beats jewelry bought on credit cards that she’ll be paying off with you long after Valentine’s Day is over.

 

 

Letter to the Winter Bride

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I’m thrilled that you’ve found the man of your dreams. But frankly, your choosing to be married at a posh resort in the Bahamas is going to present financial challenges for us, your invited guests. Yes, we realize it’s a winter wedding so you have to head south because the weather is more predictable. And yes, that’s where you met your husband-to-be on a scuba diving trip.

Sure you’re special, and I’d love to celebrate with you, but you’re costing me a lot more than I intended to spend. I appreciate that you managed to get deluxe accommodations for all of us at a discount. I know how much time and attention you devoted to making sure that we have a wonderful time. But this is your wedding, not mine. This is your decision, not mine. The $1,000 it will cost me to be at your wedding ( not including the gift from your registry) is really a financial stretch, especially since your destination wedding is the third one I’ve been invited to this year.

Does this sound petty? Probably, but it’s also realistic. This destination wedding is also a financial burden for your family. They know it’s your special day, that you’re in love and that a wedding is once in a lifetime (theoretically). But promise me, that if you marry again, which statistics show you probably will, you’ll  either pay my way for your wedding weekend or you’ll remarry closer to home.

 

 

You Can Take it With You

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I have a photo of a hearse traveling down the highway with a U-Haul hitched behind it. It’s not clear whether the hearse belongs to someone who bought it because hearses have lots of storage space, or whether some departed soul is traveling to his final resting place with all his stuff – a latter day Tutenkamen without the gold.

Can you take it with you?

I shared the photo with my friend, Terri, who complains that her husband Bill is a pack rat who saves everything – even the packaging that everything comes in. Bill is an accountant who likes to know ‘where everything is’. They will be selling their home next year and moving to a smaller place.

Bill is having nightmares of what to keep and what to trash. He wakes up in the midde of the night, worried that he put something from the keep pile into the trash pile. To calm himself, Bill heads for the garage and checks through the piles.

Geri and Bill went to the King Tut exhibit a few years ago. They joked that Tut never had to downsize; he didn’t have to get rid of anything. That’s true, but inside his gorgeous golden mask, Tut looks like any other 3,300 years old skeleton.

Golden Chariot, previously owned hearse, or ABC storage units, even if you could take it with you, what would you do with it?

Five Realities about Marriage

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Take off the rose colored glasses and listen up. I apologize for shattering your illusions. However,  if you consider these points with an open mind, your marriage may stand a better chance of surviving.

1. Marriage is not natural behavior. There is no equivalent in nature where either sex of any species mates for life as a result of illusions about their mate. They pair off to propagate the species without benediction or perception of personal future benefit. Neither Uncle Sam nor God care about the words. Uncle Sam only cares about the taxes; God is too busy holding the universe together.

2. Marriage is a choice. Unless you’re being forced into a shotgun wedding or live in an arranged marriage culture, you’re choosing your mate. The behaviors you see during courtship, or don’t see, but believe are there, are part of our human ability to camouflage and fantasize. If you don’t like certain behaviors in a fiancee, you won’t like them any better in a spouse.

3. Marriage doesn’t protect you from anything. Loneliness, disappointment, illness, financial problems, disillusion , parental neglect or daily stress can accompany you right to the altar and beyond. Your spouse is a partner, not your shield against what’s not right in your world.

4. Marriage is a legal and financial responsibility. Once you marry, you’re part of a business partnership that presents a tax opportunity for the government and a financial obligation to your creditors. Love or lack of it isn’t a valid defense against your signature on a contract, mortgage, tax return or lease. Sign it – whatever it is – and you’re as responsible for it as your mate.

5. Marriage isn’t structured to make you happy. It gives you more legal rights than living together, but it’s harder work than people predict. It is an opportunity to be with someone you love, work together with each others’ support and envision a future you can both share.

To paraphrase John F. Kennedy: Ask not what marriage can do for you. Ask what you can do for your marriage.

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