From Wife to Widow in a Second

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Could you become one of the women in the statistics listed below? Absolutely. I was.

Demographers estimate that 1.25 million women will be widowed annually by 2040.

The average age a woman is widowed is 56.

There are currently 11.3 million widows and 2.6 million widowers.

700,000 women are widowed every year.

80% of women live longer than their husband

The average widow outlives her husband by 14 years.

Nearly 50% of women over 65 and 32% over 55 are widows.

Source: http://www.census.gov/prod/2011pubs/acs-13.pdf

I became a widow in a second when my husband died in an accident. That’s why I’m so passionate about wanting you to understand everything about your money before a crisis hits you.

Is your husband handling your marital finances? You need to get involved, participate, understand the whole financial picture. If you’re caught in the statistical profile, not knowing about your money will make life even harder for you. Here’s what you should do right now:

Explain to your husband that you’re worried about how you would cope on your own if something happened to him. (Show him the statistics I listed above.)

Tell your husband how much you appreciate everything he does for you and your life together. This is vitally important. You want his cooperation, not a confrontation. You don’t want him to feel you don’t trust him. It’s not about trust – you’re looking for information and participation.

Review your entire financial picture- everything you own, everything you owe. Know where your husband keeps the financial records, how to access them and what they mean! Be sure the information is up-to-date.

Make sure your husband has sufficient life insurance with you as the beneficiary. CONFIRM THAT THE PREMIUM PAYMENTS ARE PAID ON TIME! If even one payment is late, that will cancel the policy.

Draw up a will, a revocable trust with you as executor and trustee and the powers of attorney for health care and financial decisions. Get the help of a legal professional to make sure you’re doing it right. If you miss even one thing, that might invalidate all of them.

Don’t count on anyone else to take care of these things for you. No one has a higher stake in understanding your money than you do!

 

Redefining Husband and Wife

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Ellen De Generis has one. So do Rosie O’Donnell, Suze Orman and Meredith Baxter. Before my husband died, I used to be one.  I often dreamed of having one.

With the emergence of same-sex marriage as a legal reality, will we need to find a new word for wife as we did when Ms. entered our life as a substitute for Miss or Mrs?

In a gay marriage, will husband take on a whole new meaning? In a lesbian marriage, who will be the wife?  Is wife a job description? Will a wife take her ‘husband’s name’? Will husband and wife only apply to straight marriages?

It’s very exciting. I think same-sex marriage will change the institution of marriage in ways that will benefit straight marriages. By providing a new model for how two people can live together equitably and create a stable environment for children to flourish, this evolution of marriage may lighten the load of assumptions and stereotypes that create resentment and stress in heterosexual marriages. Without gender stereotypes, marriage may free a couple to shed the burdens of what is male, what is female and focus instead on the partnership that modern marriage can be.

We’re barely at the beginning of this social experiment.  Just as the womens movement redefined marriage, divorce and the role of women in society, same-sex marriage may make the terms ‘husband and wife’ obsolete. Marriage vows that ask “Do you take ____ to be your lawfully wedded partner….. bode well for more egalitarian marriages – and possibly, less divorce.

What Makes Good Marriages Work

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Dr. John Gottman has studied what makes marriages succeed or fail since 1973. Using his insight, he has been able to tell with over 90% accuracy the future of a marriage.  These marriage tips have been gleaned from years of his research.

1. Seek help early.  Instead of waiting the average time of six years before looking for outside assistance, seek help as soon as a problem makes itself known.

2. Edit yourself.  Honesty is important, but making every single critical or negative thought known just hurts your partner.

3. Soften your “start up.”  When a problem comes up, instead of beginning with an angry confrontation, bring up your concerns gently and with care.

4. Accept influence.  Both parties need to be able to accept and change feelings and plans due to the influence of the other party, but this is especially important to remember in the case of the husband accepting his wife’s influence (as women are more likely to accept male influence due to the culture at large).

5. Have high standards.  Don’t tolerate bad behavior until it reaches a breaking point.  Hold yourselves and one another to the highest reasonable standard.

6. Learn to repair and/or exit the argument.  If an argument isn’t getting anywhere, change the subject, make a humorous or caring remark to lighten the mood, establish a common ground, and back down when necessary.  If an argument is especially heated, agree to take a 20-minute recess to cool down and then re-approach the situation with more level heads.

7. Focus on the bright side.  Cultivate a positive climate rather than a negative one in your marriage.  Continually say kind and loving things to your partner and about your relationship…these affirmations will only become more true with time.

 

 

 

Appearances are Deceiving

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When Leslie and Don married, she had a great sales job with an international start-up. She loved the travel, the pace and challenge of contributing to the growth of the company. Don had recently sold his software company to a competitor.

When they married, he wanted children right away; Leslie wanted to work a few more years. Don was charming, insistent, seductive. The baby was born during their first year of marriage. Leslie intended to return to work,
but Don insisted they had enough money so she didn’t have to work.

Leslie hadn’t managed her money well before marriage. Her credit wasn’t good. She was counting on high commissions and stock options to offset her modest salary . Unfortunately, she quit her job before either of these things could kick in.

When Don insisted on a prenuptial agreement, Leslie didn’t object. Divorce never entered her mind.

Leslie is now totally dependent on Don. She moved into his house when they married. He handles all their finances. She sees none of the bank or brokerage statements; they are addressed to him or sent to his office. She has a debit card which he checks daily. He insists on seeing all receipts and purchases. She has a Nordstrom card.

To an observer, Leslie appears to have everything. However, she has effectively been isolated and hemmed in by Don’s financial restrictions. If she tries to get more financial freedom, she may discover that Don is a clever and manipulative abuser who will claim he just wants her to have everything – that is, everything he will allow her to have.

A Parent’s Act of Love

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Psychiatrists have long equated the reluctance to write a will, prepare an advance directive or estate plan, with fear of dying.

Who wants to think about planning for death? We have to confront our mortality. No more illusions that it won’t happen to us. We have to face giving up our possessions and power. We have to deal with uncomfortable subjects like aging, illness, death, inheritance and a host of other things we’ve managed to avoid thinking about.

Having the ‘money conversation’ is rarely ‘just about money’. It’s also about family dynamics, mistakes, regrets, guilt, and a host of other issues. Children feel morbid, greedy and intrusive asking their parents questions about money and death. The parents don’t want to start conversations about ‘touchy’ subjects either. The result – people procrastinate, hoping for the best. Hope is not a strategy. It’s a procrastination tool and most often, it doesn’t work.

Click the buy the book button:   www.moneyloveandlegacy.com/

Check out the guide  for opening the conversations that matter between parents and children.Follow the check lists for what parents need to put in place so children aren’t burdened with a financial and legal mess after parents die.

It’s truly an act of love for parents to get their affairs in order.

A Most Beautiful Organic Wedding

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Of course you notice their beauty – the groom tall, lean, golden in the California sun, he in formal grey, but with the whimsy of suspenders, she, demure in flowing waves of white chiffon, baby tears woven in her hair and her bouquet.

What really strikes you is how comfortable they are with each other, best friends who also happen to be bathed in romantic love. Then you notice their tenderness, the softness with which they gaze upon each other. You watch them talk, the tenderness and attention they show each other, how proud they seem of the other, how gentle, yet how strong and steadfast they have been in the fours years since they first met and grew in love.

They described it to me as an “organic” wedding, a ceremony that grew naturally from their sentimental love of family heirlooms and their sensitivity to the joining of two families with different religious tradtions.

They planned for their wedding to be outdoors in their beloved wilderness, where they could share their love of birdsong and nature with their invited guests.Their friends pitched tents and talked until the wee hours.  Their parents and grandparents, lodged in comfortable cabins, perhaps dreaming of how different things were when they were married.

When cheers of mazeltov rang out as the pastor pronounced them husband and wife, I couldn’t help thinking how lovely a wedding can be when it truly includes the shared philosophy of bride and groom. The food was simple, delicious and abundant. Because they did so much of the work themselves, they began the  process of building something together from the start.

I didn’t fully understand what organic meant until after the wedding, but the effect is clear when you see it in action. Something that’s organic is whole because nothing artificial is added. It’s an ‘organic’ event that celebrates the uniqueness of a wedding, but reflects the values and visions of the couple.

Long life and happiness to my granddaughter and her beloved husband.

 

No Flowers for Mother’s Day

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Legions of adult children spend thousands dollars and hours on the therapist’s couch, reviewing, ruminating and regurgitating things their parents did or didn’t do.

I’m not including parents here who were intentionally abusive, either physically, verbally, sexually or emotionally. I’m talking about well meaning parents who had the best intentions, did the best they could, yet still get blamed for the things that go wrong in the life of their adult child.

Unfortunately, parent blaming has a willing ally in therapy circles. In an unscientific profession that can only speculate about cause and outcome, assigning blame to parents is easy, irresponsible and widespread. The 50 minute hour does not include the parents, so the  therapist gets a one-sided view of people who never get the chance to respond.

It requires a truly ethical therapist to say to a client  ” I haven’t met your parents, but isn’t it possible they did the best they could? It’s time for you to take responsibility for your role in the relationship. After all, you’re an adult now.”

To all you garden variety mothers who tried your best and it wasn’t good enough, you who won’t be hearing from your children this Mother’s Day, I can’t send you flowers, but rest assured that you’re not alone.

 

Talking with a Lawyer

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It can feel intimidating to talk to a lawyer. I’ve learned the hard way that if your lawyer can’t explain things to you as if you are a smart 14-year-old, you should find a lawyer who can. A lawyer is supposed to make your life easier, not more stressful.

Credentials count, but this is about more than education and experience . The law is complicated enough; you need someone who can explain things to you in addition to being qualifed to advise you. In the event of divorce, or the death of a spouse, you will be working closely with the lawyer. You want things explained clearly to you because you’ll be emotionally upset. A lawyer’s jargon and lack of ability to communicate clearly will upset you even more.

For example, I couldn’t work with someone who is patronizing. Consulting a lawyer is already an unequal situation. You have a problem. You need a solution. You don’t need someone making you feel even more vulnerable. Many lawyers think that reassuring and protecting a woman is doing her a favor. I call that the ‘Don’t worry about a thing, dear’ attitude that keeps women from being able to make decisions. Many women want their lawyer to take care of everything. I’m not one of them.

I want a lawyer who listens, doesn’t interrupt me, doesn’t flood me with jargon,and shows up on time. I want information, an explanation of options, pitfalls, and costs.

Anyone out there know someone like that?

The Gift of the Ordinary

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The poetry of life lives in the daily rituals, the ordinary activities we often do mindlessly without appreciating how lucky we are to be doing them. Not me, not ever again.

One of my favorite ordinary things is making coffee in the morning. Grinding and inhaling the aroma of the beans, filling the coffee maker with water, emptying the ground beans into the filter, and pushing the brew button. How much more ordinary can you get?

Ever since my husband died suddenly in an accident years ago, I’ve been aware that ordinary events can turn extraordinary in a second. The Boston bombings, 9/11, a plane or car crash, a fatal heart attack, a drive by shooting or the diagnosis of a terminal illness. These sudden events, woven into the tapestry of daily life, are reminders that the ordinary is a gift.

One of my favorite poets celebrates the ordinary. Jane Kenyon, who died of leukemia at the  age of forty-seven, understood the importance of celebrating the dailiness of life.

Otherwise

I got out of bed
on two strong legs.
It might have been
otherwise. I ate
cereal, sweet
milk, ripe, flawless
peach. It might
have been otherwise.
I took the dog uphill
to the birch wood.
All morning I did
the work I love.

At noon I lay down
with my mate. It might
have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together
at a table with silver
candlesticks. It might
have been otherwise.
I slept in a bed
in a room with paintings
on the walls, and
planned another day
just like this day.
But one day, I know,
it will be otherwise.

 

Intimacy in Marriage and Business

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A marriage is like a business that two people who love each other are building together.

People don’t like to think about their marriage as having a business component. It’s called marital finances – MONEY –how much comes in, how much goes out, what it’s spent on and how much is saved. Money, this ‘thing’ we think will take care of itself if only we love each other enough, is a huge factor in breaking up marriages.

There’s no romance or illusion involved in running a business. But there is intimacy – financial intimacy – that makes all the finances transparent for each of the partners. Financial information is shared, discussed and agreed upon. Neither partner commits the other before consulting with them.

Would you hide purchases from a business partner? Would you commit to investments your partner didn’t know about? Would you spend needed capital on something you couldn’t resist and then try to justify it?

People have a double standard when it comes to building a business and building a marriage. That’s too bad. Going into marriage, it’s all about love. Coming out of marriage, it’s all about money.

http://bucks.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/26/your-agenda-for-fiscal-health-day/